The Dark Ranger: All-Star Playground

Bio of TDR

TDR is a working professional in entertainment and is obsessed with the game of hockey. More fourteen years ago, this site emerged as a means (or an outlet) to tell some truth'isms about the game post-lockout, rather than the crud fed to us through knuckleheads like Jimmy Dolan and his lemmings universe. Today, there are a hundred Rangers sites and is thankful and grateful to all those that have come after him, but honorable thanks go to his fellow Dark-writers, Graying Mantis and J_Undisputed. And "Let's Go Rangers!"

Bio of General Ganz

General Ganz is a cynical yet well-informed student of the human spirit. He's a professional of sorts, with a post-graduate education, some experience working in real companies, and some limited athletic ability. The total small package. He got picked on a fair bit as a kid, and he experienced his first human-non-relation kiss in his teens. He also grew up on the other side of the tracks, thereby helping to cultivate a healthy contempt for dreamers and optimists whose rosy upbringing gave them something to smile about, even when "life produced lemons." Like it or not, his only mission is to point out the potholes you're lucky enough to miss on your drive to work. To find the blemish on your daughter's carefully-stitched (and not-yet-paid-for) wedding dress. To take that little smidgen of hope that your favorite hockey teams fill you with, and pour orange paint on it. Oh, and he is a Blueshirts fan, and takes most of his fashion direction from Ron Duguay (whose name he dropped as a way to close the deal on that first kiss).

Monday, January 17, 2011

All-Star Playground

So, NHL All Stars are borrowing from an old schoolyard tradition to beef up their All Star game by having team captains pick their teams.

Doesn't it bring a tear to your eye remembering the good ol' days? Who wouldn't want to, for old time's sake, revisit the innocence of childhood? It was a time when things were simple and happy. A time when the most popular, the strongest and fastest kids ruled the schoolyard and got to determine every kid's fate by virtue of the stripes they earned rubbing other kids' faces in the dirt. It was the last time you can recall natural selection on display each and every day. Seeing that pitiful look on the face of the kid picked dead last was like watching a weak-ass-back-of-the-line baby zebra get ripped apart by a den of lions.

Based on how this fantasy pick gimmick is being marketed, we're supposed to be excited that the best players - the coolest kids, as voted by you, hockey fans - get to pick their own teams. Feel your pulse - quick! With a chance to tackle the real issue with the All Star Game (i.e. that it's a pointless shinny game rife with self-aggrandizing and goofballing), the NHL and particularly the NHLPA, have instead found inspiration from a simple schoolyard tactic.

Why stop there? Why don't they add a burping contest into the skills competition? They could also gang up on the guy picked last and towel-snap his ass. I'm sure Phil Kessel would eventually get over the humiliation. At the first intermission they could make up dirty poems using the name Pelekanc.

To inject some legitimacy and fan appeal into this All Star game, some real leadership is needed. Instead, NHL fans are being spoon-fed a bunch of kidstuff. Come on, grow up, guys.

"Now put away your toys, sit on the mat, put on your thinking caps and come up with another super-duper idea for fixing the All Star game, mmmkay? Sidney, sit up straight."

- General Ganz

1 comment:

J_UndisputedTuesday, January 18, 2011 5:29:00 PM
Totally Agree! Isn't the all star game supposed to be a reward for guys that played their asses off this season. Instead we get this varsity blues bull$hit. What was the point of having the fans vote if the decisions are going to be made by someone else regardless?
I already stopped watch the Crosby Classic on new years day. Now my nausea over this crap is going to keep me from watching the all star game too. Someone wake me when hockey is played for hockey fans again, and not marketing strategies targeting kids that can be the next serial diver or guy that punches cab drivers over a dime.
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